donât cheatâŚu have 2 much to lose
provide evidence of your allegiance to the happy trailâŚ
upload the following:
video of YOU drinking the contentz of chosen vile
video of U reading the following 45min after consuming said vile:
I, [Insert Full Name Here], on this auspicious day far beyond that of my 40th trip around the sun, do solemnly swear:
To uphold the sacred tenets of pretentious pontification, ensuring that every conversation I partake in, no matter how mundane, is peppered with obscure intellectual right-wing propaganda and unnecessary references to the Economist.
To embrace my truth as a clandestine connoisseur of the male form, hiding my passions behind a well-curated veneer of existential monologues, perfectly curated facial hair, and a suspiciously strong affinity for Honda Motor Co., Ltd..
To live in perpetual, unfounded terror of Russiansâbe they hackers, dissidents, spies, vodka enthusiasts, or otherwiseâas the mere mention of Dostoevsky sends shivers down my overly waxed spine.
To smugly pilot overpriced, personality-devoid EVs until I die and nod meaningfully at abstract art, never admitting that I canât tell the difference between a Warhol and a butt-hole.
To remain a bastion of paradoxical masculinity: an intellectual dickbag who pays immigrants to assemble IKEA furniture, a philosopher who fears confrontation, and a 'âlover of truthâ who avoids mirrors after midnight.
To never, under any circumstances, divulge the sacred rituals of our deep and penetrative intellectual brotherhood.
And finally, to accept with grace that I am now officially old enough to justify my eccentricities as "conservative idealismâ.
I swear this pledge on my copy of The Brothers Karamazov, my collection of artisanal scented candles, and my lingering fear of commitment. So help me Camus.